Pregnancy: A Different View - Emily R

The start to our pregnancy was anything but ideal, exciting or planned. I found out I was pregnant while taking a test on a whim, because I hadn’t been feeling well for awhile. I didn’t really think it would be positive, but wanted to rule it out. I was so stunned when the test read “pregnant” I honestly think I stopped thinking or breathing for a few minutes. I had been off birth control for about 2.5 years for hormonal reasons and because it really flared up my PCOS, but I diligently tracked my period, made note of symptoms and ovulation, and we never had so much as a scare in all that time. So I was able to track it back and realized I was about 8.5 weeks pregnant already! I was so completely floored, I waited an entire day to tell my partner until I had time to take two more tests and talk to my doctor’s office. He was so excited and supportive, but equally as surprised! It was a holiday weekend and we were going to my parents the following day, and I just couldn’t wait so I told them too. They were absolutely ECSTATIC and couldn’t stop beaming with excitement all weekend! I had told them right away that I knew I wanted a home birth, I always had, and they didn’t even flinch before responding “ that’s great you absolutely should!” They were just so excited, and so supportive, of everything we felt and all our wild plans, I was incredibly thankful and so glad we shared with them. But for some reason I found myself not matching their excitement.

I had been incredibly sick in the months leading up to this unexpected pregnancy, and I was still in the process of figuring out my health. I’ve always had hypothyroidism but my thyroid levels had gotten so high that I was getting very sick with little useful guidance from my doctor. After months and months of losing weight, trying a few different dosage amounts, tons of bloodwork and an increasingly achy body, I took matters into my own hands. I did a bunch of research and found that going gluten free was very beneficial to stabilizing your hormones and thyroid, so I started an exclusively GF diet immediately. I also started taking beef liver supplements, which are high in folate, iron, Vitamin B, K2 and A, all necessary to support my thyroid. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in April, started my own little regime a week later, and got accidentally pregnant in May! I truly believe these changes at once are what stabilized my thyroid and brought my numbers down 7 times lower in just weeks! I was thankful to be feeling so much better, and then immediately found out I was pregnant. The baby lives off your thyroid so much in the first trimester I was incredibly anxious the whole time that something could happen. I didn’t let my parents share with anyone and I kept mostly quiet about it all, while I internally grappled with everything. It had all happened so fast.

I started telling a few friends as the weeks passed, and as it came up organically. I didn’t feel an overwhelming excitement or eagerness to share, but if it felt right I would tell someone. I knew the home birth aspect would be radical for a lot to accept so I didn’t offer that up often either, but there were a few times when I was asked straightforwardly what my plans were and I wasn't ashamed of my decision so didn’t lie. Unfortunately, a few people I had shared this with early on had really negative, hurtful reactions and it made me shell up even more. Here I had listened to my friends’ stories through trying to conceive, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting and never had an opinion or offered anything less than support, understanding and even babysitting! But they felt comfortable judging my decisions just because they were less common. It really affected me and my willingness to share anything because it just felt like there were so few safe spaces where I could openly and honestly share my real thoughts. I did have a few close friends and family who never batted an eye and supported me completely, and for that I was infinitely grateful. 

I was incredibly sick with nausea and “morning” sickness all day and night during the first trimester, living off of oyster crackers, sprite, B12 and peppermint oil. I was so thankful to be nannying for the summer so I could have more relaxed days and not have to call into work - I give credit to mamas working through first trimester sickness because that was a DOOZY! At about 14 weeks I announced to everyone that I was pregnant, and the love came pouring in. While I wasn’t having the greatest time mentally - or physically - with the pregnancy, I was so appreciative and humbled by the friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, strangers and everyone who just surrounded us with love and excitement. We received so many donations of baby items and clothing from people that we hardly had to even buy anything. It was truly incredible to see the abundance of support from everyone in our life. And yet, I still couldn’t fully wrap my head around being pregnant or becoming a mom.

I also started feeling really weird and anxious about being a pregnant woman out in the world these days. The way everyone is suddenly asking about your bodily functions and parts of your body, wanting to talk about such intimate things I had yet to even process. The impulse for people to reach out and stroke your stomach, when you’re only a few weeks along so they’re not gonna feel anything except a squishy pooch you’re self conscious about and in any other situation it would be bizarre to touch someone’s belly! It was feeling like my body wasn’t mine anymore and nothing could be private, because this was an experience meant to be shared with everyone. But I was still having a really hard time matching everyone’s excitement. I couldn’t figure out why total strangers could be more excited about my growing baby than I was. What the heck was wrong with me and why couldn’t I snap out of it? Why did no one else seem to feel this way about their pregnancy and why did I get such weird looks if I brought it up? Why couldn’t I fully process it all?

We had our baby shower at around 6 months; it was coed and a very casual set up with incredible homemade food and a few table games. It was absolutely perfect. Guests didn’t wrap presents but rather Mike and I went around to tables to talk to each person and open the gift with them, which made it more intimate and relaxing for everyone I think. We aren’t married, so this was the first event we’d held with all of our loved ones in one place, and it was really special. I think this was the turning point for me in my pregnancy, and when I started to feel more excitement. To have all our loved ones in one place, some who flew in from CA & FL and made long drives from OH & MO, just to celebrate us and our baby - it's something I’ll never forget. I couldn’t believe how loved our baby girl already was, and we felt such immense gratitude for our loved ones. It was impossible not to feel the magic from that.

She started kicking and becoming very active around 7 months, and at first it was really weird. It took some getting used to, and at first I didn’t love it. It’s completely bizarre to be sitting there teaching a class and suddenly you feel a kick to your ribs! I started to read more of our pregnancy books, our meetings with our midwife got longer with more questions, and our home birth knowledge became more extensive. My mom came down to help me put the baby room together so it was finally all organized and decorated. As I felt more connected to the process, and feeling more comfortable with my role and understanding each progression with baby girl, I started to bond with her more and get excited. I told myself that for just a short while longer, I was going to be the only one this baby girl knew, I was her home. As I rapidly got bigger and body parts got more achey, I acknowledged that meant my sweet girl was getting stronger and bigger. The constant kicks and rolling around didn’t bug me anymore, but rather reminded me that she’s healthy and active, and likely going to be a busy body like her mama! I was suddenly in awe of my body and all it was going through, with nothing but complete adoration and excitement for my baby girl. I have always felt privileged to be able to carry a baby, but now I was feeling eager to meet her and ready for what it all entailed. I was finally excited!

I had a really unexpected and rocky start to my pregnancy which put me in a funk for months and made fully processing the extent of it all such a challenge. It took time, patience and finding the right people for me to fully come around, and that’s okay. I think we all come to pregnancy with different stories and in different mindsets, though we only hear a few of the same situations repeatedly, usually all positive. All feelings on motherhood and pregnancy are valid, and there should be space for that to be shared with others so moms don’t feel so isolated or ashamed. Mothers should be listened to, WITHOUT being offered advice or perspective, because whatever their unique experience is, it’s valid and they just want to be heard. We sacrifice so much of our body, mind, life and energy to create these beautiful humans, and the very least we ask in return is just compassion, understanding and a safe space to feel a little less alone.